Monday, January 23, 2006

New Seasons of the Witch

So my girlfriend and I were at the New Seasons Market located on the corner of NE 33rd and NE Killingsworth on the afternoon of Sunday January 22nd, at right around 2.30pm. The parking lot was overflowing with automobiles and the store itself was mobbed. I did a quick look around and I think I've got the group pinned down, demographically speaking...

-97% voted for Kerry.

-2% voted for Nader

-1% voted for Bush.

-63% of the males between the ages of 20 and 44 were sporting beards.

-7% of the males between the ages of 20-25 wished they could sport a cool beard.

-23% of the vehicles in parking lot were Volkswagons, 23% were Subaru Outbacks, 17% were Volvos, and 19% were SUVS.

-100% of those driving SUVS felt at least somewhat guilty about it.

-21% of the cars had bumper stickers reading either "All those who wander are not lost" or "Attack Iraq? NO!"

-Only 15% of the shoppers were going to watch the NFC Championship game between the Seahawks and Carolina Panthers later that afternoon. Compare that to the 52% of Safeway shoppers who were planning to watch the game.

-27% had read the New York Times already that morning, while 64% had finished reading the Sunday Oregonian.

-78% either owned at least one book by Michael Moore or had seen his latest movie.

-91% had at least one of the following CDs at home. Hang On Little Tomato by Pink Martini, Norah Jones' self-titled debut, or Graceland by Paul Simon.

-Only 29% had attended any sort of church that morning.

-But 93% would describe themselves as "spiritual".

-37% had smoked pot at least once in the last month.

-9% had smoked pot at least once in the last hour.

-2% were currently smoking pot on their employee breaks out back behind the dumpster.

-18% bemoaned the "negative energy" created by such a crowded store.

So if this sort of crowd is your crowd, you know where to be next Sunday...

Marcus Singer

Friday, January 20, 2006

New Tacks

Hey Hey Hey,

That's right. I bought some new thumb tacks and now I'm gonna BLoG about them. Just kidding.

So this time instead of frothing at the mouth and getting all e-apoplectic about advertising I'll just holla about stuff I like. (But then aren't you advertising Marcus? Yeah I am. So?) I like writing by David Foster Wallace. I like Juanita's chips. I recently discovered that I really like a TV show called "Newsradio". It was too good to be on network TV for very long, just like "Arrested Development", from which this blog derives its name.

Newsradio has an amazing cast including Dave Foley from "Kids in the Hall" and Stephen Root from "Office Space" and "O Brother Where Art Thou" among other projects. It also features the incomparable Phil Hartman, whom you may know from such projects as "The Simpsons" and "Saturday Night Live". On "The Simpsons" he played Troy McClure. He uttered one of my many favorite lines from the show; "Man vs. Nature-The road to victory". Maura Tierney, Joe Rogan, ("One thing you might not know about me Joe Rogan. I like to smoke rocks." -Chapelle's Show), and the always-bordering-on-completely-bonkers Andy Dick round out the cast.

And to now veer off that subject completely did anybody notice that on "Arrested Development" the character named Bob Loblaw now has his own blog? And that it is called "Bob Loblaw's Law Blog"? So then I got to thinking what if a woman named Bobbi Lombaugh married Bob Loblaw and they went for the hyphenated name and then had a kid who they named Bob? That kid would have the name Bob Lombaugh-Loblaw. So then let's say that kid grows up and marries a woman named Bonita Applebaum and they also go for the hyphenated name and also have a kid named Bob. That kid's name would be Bob Applebaum-Lombaugh-Loblaw. So if that kid had a blog he could totally out-do me in the "mouthful of marbles" blog name category.

Bob Applebaum-Lombaugh-Loblaw Law

I'd kick that kid's ass.

Marcus Singer

Friday, January 13, 2006

Instant Money

Hello imagined and actual readers!

Have you heard that commercial on the radio? The one that starts out with this guy asking you "Are you ready to get over that final great barrier and start living the life your dreams?"

So you think to yourself, well, yeah of course my life could be better but I'm not too sure what barrier he's talking about. Does he mean dying and going to heaven? The great barrier of Death? Or is he implying that we all have some sort of internal barrier toward being the person we always wanted to be? In this case the culprit is usually some traumatic childhood experience. And then I think, "Hey motherfucker! What makes you so sure i'm not already living the life of my dreams right now huh? I mean, we live in the land of the American Dream, right? And at least in theory, we all as citizens have an equal opportunity to live that dream, right? So at least of few us should already have that life, right? And then the lyric to that kick-ass Bad Religion song springs to mind. "Can you imagine/for a second/doin everything/you ever wanted to? Well thats just what I do/So Hooray for Me!/and (Hey radio voice, this line is for you) FUCK YOU!""

So by this point in my internal monologue the guy has another question which will presumbly follow in a reaonable way the preceeding question. So then he says "Do want to buy that amazing car that will make all your friends jealous?"

The "vurp" or "throw-up in my mouth" that follows is immediate and complete with little chunks of food that went down the gullet unchewed. " that amazing car?" Buy that amazing car??? Buy that amazing car!!!??? Are you giving me a tracheotomy and then grabbing brass knuckles to fist-fuck me in the throat right now? Are reaching for that drill so you can fuck my face? An amazing car is not the answer to the great barrier in my life, assuming that I have a barrier to begin with. So you're actually implying that if I bought a new car all my problems would be solved? You know what, maybe you're right Mr. InstantMoney. Maybe that car would solve my problem. I could get one and the run you the fuck right over. Then I wouldn't have to listen to your materialiast bald-faced lies and disrespectful questions about the problems in my life and your bullshit solutions.

I haven't even got to the most obvious point yet. If I go to InstantMoney, I'll I'm gonna get is a bunch more debt that couldn't possibly be paid off without resorting to something like running someone over. But hey, I could buy that car and make my friends jealous. And of course we all want that on our headstones (as they climb up the hills-Mtn Goats) "Here lies Marcus. He had a great car and his friends were jealous for the 3 weeks between him buying a used '78 Porsche and his other more wealthy friend buying a '06 SUV. He passed that great barrier of life with class and a used car."

And then the priest in his homily alludes to poor Marcus' "unfortunate passing". By which he means how one day about a year after buying that used car Marcus turned up dead from a massive laceration in his throat with signs of repeated penetration with a metal instrument of some kind. It is speculated that Marcus was the victim of one of the worst kind of beatings. The kind you get from some large pipe-wielding thugs assigned to get you to a previous less civilized age on your posterior. The kind you get from loan sharks when you can't keep up with the usurous high-interest payments.

So to all the owners of InstantMoney and especially the advertising department...

Suck it. Suck it long, and suck it hard. Goodnight.

Marcus Singer