Instant Money

Hello imagined and actual readers!

Have you heard that commercial on the radio? The one that starts out with this guy asking you "Are you ready to get over that final great barrier and start living the life your dreams?"

So you think to yourself, well, yeah of course my life could be better but I'm not too sure what barrier he's talking about. Does he mean dying and going to heaven? The great barrier of Death? Or is he implying that we all have some sort of internal barrier toward being the person we always wanted to be? In this case the culprit is usually some traumatic childhood experience. And then I think, "Hey motherfucker! What makes you so sure i'm not already living the life of my dreams right now huh? I mean, we live in the land of the American Dream, right? And at least in theory, we all as citizens have an equal opportunity to live that dream, right? So at least of few us should already have that life, right? And then the lyric to that kick-ass Bad Religion song springs to mind. "Can you imagine/for a second/doin everything/you ever wanted to? Well thats just what I do/So Hooray for Me!/and (Hey radio voice, this line is for you) FUCK YOU!""

So by this point in my internal monologue the guy has another question which will presumbly follow in a reaonable way the preceeding question. So then he says "Do want to buy that amazing car that will make all your friends jealous?"

The "vurp" or "throw-up in my mouth" that follows is immediate and complete with little chunks of food that went down the gullet unchewed. "...buy that amazing car?" Buy that amazing car??? Buy that amazing car!!!??? Are you giving me a tracheotomy and then grabbing brass knuckles to fist-fuck me in the throat right now? Are reaching for that drill so you can fuck my face? An amazing car is not the answer to the great barrier in my life, assuming that I have a barrier to begin with. So you're actually implying that if I bought a new car all my problems would be solved? You know what, maybe you're right Mr. InstantMoney. Maybe that car would solve my problem. I could get one and the run you the fuck right over. Then I wouldn't have to listen to your materialiast bald-faced lies and disrespectful questions about the problems in my life and your bullshit solutions.

I haven't even got to the most obvious point yet. If I go to InstantMoney, I'll I'm gonna get is a bunch more debt that couldn't possibly be paid off without resorting to something like running someone over. But hey, I could buy that car and make my friends jealous. And of course we all want that on our headstones (as they climb up the hills-Mtn Goats) "Here lies Marcus. He had a great car and his friends were jealous for the 3 weeks between him buying a used '78 Porsche and his other more wealthy friend buying a '06 SUV. He passed that great barrier of life with class and a used car."

And then the priest in his homily alludes to poor Marcus' "unfortunate passing". By which he means how one day about a year after buying that used car Marcus turned up dead from a massive laceration in his throat with signs of repeated penetration with a metal instrument of some kind. It is speculated that Marcus was the victim of one of the worst kind of beatings. The kind you get from some large pipe-wielding thugs assigned to get you to a previous less civilized age on your posterior. The kind you get from loan sharks when you can't keep up with the usurous high-interest payments.

So to all the owners of InstantMoney and especially the advertising department...

Suck it. Suck it long, and suck it hard. Goodnight.

Marcus Singer