Saturday, November 19, 2005

Who is the bigger tool?

Scott McClellan-White House Spokesperson-The Emobiment of 1984 Doublespeak and Servant of Over-Lord Rove


Carson Daly-Talk Show Host-The Embodiment of Vapidity and Celebrity Groveling


Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Say No to Success

Ok. I'm back like the company in Jeff Tweedy's back.

So this time, I'm just gonna write for 20 minutes. Whatever happens, happens. And whatever happens with Bob Loblaw's Mom, stays with Bob Loblaw's Mom. This is sorta like what McSweeny's did once. (

Continuing in the same thread as my last post, here's some more problems with drugs in this country. So here's a question for kids of my approximate age; How many kids did you know back in elementary school who took Ritalin (its easy, its good, right Foo Fighters fans?) or some some other medication? How many kids did you know who were on what I call "The Meds" of some sort in middle school? Now, I realize this is entirely unscientific, (sorry Phil), but my feeling is that the use of "The Meds", (Ritalin, whatever else they prescribe for kids these days), is way, way up in the last 10 years.

So accepting the premise that there are more kids on "The Meds" now than there used to be, what is this teaching our children? Remember "Say No to Drugs"? Remember how that runs directly counter the message pharmaceutical companies send, "Say Yes to Happiness/Drugs"? Well how about, "Here son, I know you've been having trouble concentrating in class, but take these drugs and your class performance should improve in no time." "Take these drugs and you will be more like the productive successful person everyone tells you you should be." In between sips of coffee, "Take these drugs and it will help you."

They might as well be saying, "Say No to Success."

I've got 4 minutes left, and I'd like to add the additional "Anti-Say No to Drugs" message that kids see.

What do mom and dad drink in the morning to help them wake up?
What does dad have in order to relax after a long hard stressful day at work?
What does dad take if he has sore muscles and a stiff back after work?

That's right. The answers to those questions are drugs, drugs, and drugs, respectively. In the parlance of our times we say, Coffee, Beer, and Ibuprofen.

Time's up. Time for a beer to go with that pizza.

Marcus Singer

Friday, November 04, 2005

Say No To Happiness.

Hey Yo,
I'm back like the terminator only less robotic and obscenely violent.

So I was watching the television the other day, and yet another one of those Enzyte/Viagra/Lunesta/"insert new and flashy and less than essential prescription drug brand-name here" commercials whizzed across my screen. I had the tv muted because as you probably know, advertising is one of my least favorite things. (Someday I will write that song, Least Favorite Things.) Anywhoo, the imagery in these ads is insidious and quite disturbing, and I'll tell ya why.

The shots are always of men or women smiling and laughing, frolicking about in a sea of wildflowers or hugging on a beautiful sunset beach. They always seem so goddamn happy. So goddamn happy to be on a drug. The imagery is specifically designed to convey the following message, "Take this drug and you will be happy. This drug will solve your problems."

Sometimes they go for the before and after tactic.

"See how miserable and un-sexy this guy is? He took our drug and now look at him! See how he wields those phallic symbols? See how pretty his ladyfriend is? Take this drug and this could be you! Just one dose of Curitall, and you'll be prancing gayly about in a picturesque meadow arm in arm w/babe in in no time!"

So kids see these commercials. I know because they are on during prime-time baseball playoffs, which now feature animated segments explaining various intricacies of the game. These segments are of course, directed at children.

Here's the problem. A child first learns "Say No to Drugs." Then he/she goes home, enjoys a nice supper and turns on the tube to watch the game. And in between innings watches men and women having the time of their lives! Fucking on a majestic snow-covered mountain top while a bald eagle soars gracefully above as Pachebell's Canon swells in the background and rose petals drift down in the glorious glorious sunset and all the while...all the while...MOMMY and DADDY look so goddamn HAPPY ON DRUGS!

These fucking advertisers might as well be whispering directly into the kid's ear...

"Say No to Happiness."

Marcus Singer

Anybody else sick of hearing both liberals and conservatives talking about how they don't want an "activist judge who legislates from the bench". Except for on the issue of abortion in which case "Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! Absolutely Fuck Yeah Yes! we want that person to get up there and legislate from the bench! In fact, if we're not absolutely positive they're gonna legislate from the bench how we want them to, they're not even gonna get a hearing."