Bob Loblaw's Mom

Oil

2010-05-25T16:03:00.000-07:00

Hi Everybody,

I'm gonna try to keep this short.

I have a few thoughts I would like share regarding the recent oil "spill" off the coast of Louisiana. Even in the industry they call it a "gusher", so spill seems a little tame, not to mention inaccurate.

1st-I did not know that offshore drilling meant setting up a "well" nearly a mile below the surface of the ocean, and then drilling an additional 20,000 feet below the bottom of the ocean. The oil BP is going for down there is more than 4 MILES under the bottom of the ocean. On one hand, I am very impressed with such an outrageous technological achievement. Way to go humans! I mean, that's almost as amazing as landing on the moon. On the other hand, it is obviously a pathetic act of desperation born of an addiction to oil. It's too late for an intervention, and there will be no recovery. Our society's blood IS oil. Hence, the worthy cries of "No Blood for Oil!" will continue to go unheeded, and our way of life will disappear not long after all the oil does.

2nd-Could the complete capture of our federal government by corporations be any more obvious? Read this...

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/05/25/interior-department-ig-re_n_588755.html

And then consider how, for more than a month, our federal government has allowed BP to oversee the clean-up efforts. That's like expecting the fox to clean the rabbit hole.

So the answer is no. No, it could not be more obvious that our government is both by and for the corporations. They are essentially one and the same. We have federalgovernment.com.

Now that the inherent problems of such a government can be seen washing ashore, killing everything from fish to birds to entire industries, turning small town southern coastal residents into refugees, sickening those that stay, coating everything in it's wake with thick foul sludge, befouling entire oceans and all the creatures that dwell within them, decimating ancient wetland ecosystems that won't return for decades, and poisoning major food sources for generations to come, isn't it time to start over?

Out with the old, in with new, let the dominoes fall...

Peace
WC

Scraps from the Notebook

2010-03-09T15:53:00.000-08:00

Even After
The tremor of the winsome sinner
it was a winner of a winter dinner,
but for the
tenor of the sinewy grinner.

In Between
Those long languorous late summer shadows are

st r e t c h i n g

out of the summer and into the fall.
All that we see is not all at all.

Peace
Will

My Blog - Long See No Time

2010-02-17T11:51:00.000-08:00

Hello There! Wherever there may be! It's been a long time since I've posted anything here, so I'll offer just a few introductory notes regarding my absence.

For one, it's scary to be back blogging. I feel like there's a big huge ocean out there and I have just enough courage to dip my big toe in some distant kiddie pool. It's not that I haven't had any ideas or that I've been totally lacking in outrage or insight. Maybe it's just that once you get out of the habit of something, it's hard to get back into it. Mitch Hedburg said "Well, how hard is it to quit smoking? About as hard as it is to START flossing."

Maybe I'm scared that in the long blogless interim I've forgotten how to write. Also, reading my past posts can be sort of embarrassing. I guess it's common for writers to disavow their past work as rubbish. I know I cringe when reading some of my past work. So I'll think "Wow, no need to add anything more to the already sizable pile of crap!"

For example, just look at that stuff I wrote about Obama. At this point I'm embarrassed to admit that I admired him so much. "A true leader" WTF?!?! He's led us to an impasse on health care, he's led us to accepting torture as an American standard procedure, and he's been more than happy to let the banks keep their strangle-hold on the economy. What a fuckin' phony! He fooled me! I should have known when he started marketing my beliefs back to me. "Change YOU can believe in." I still think he's in the ballpark of a human-being, but a great leader he is not. He's just another member of the purple corporate fascist party, albeit a likable and very intelligent member. I should have trusted George Carlin when he told us

"They. Don't give a fuck. About you. They don't give a fuck about you!"

Here's the clip. With a few exceptions, what George says here I believe is true. Please, please point out where George is wrong, if you feel that he is. (The clip is 3 minutes, in case you're short on time.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hYIC0eZYEtI

The only part that I completely disagree with is that the state of things in this country can never be changed. Nobody knows the future. Also, he does not define his terms very well in his argument. Who exactly are "they"? Well, if you want to know, here's a great place to start. (I know it's a bit dated, but you'll get the idea.)

http://www.theyrule.net

And a lot of "them" seem to belong to the following organization as well.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Council_on_Foreign_Relations

Thank you so much for reading, whoever you may be. My most warm and sincere appreciation goes out to you. Please post a comment if you are so inclined.

Peace
Will

ps
If you're like, "Will, what the hell is the purple corporate fascist party?"

go here

http://www.hoocoodanode.org/

It's the comments section of this blog, which has to be the best place on the net for finding out what in the world is going on with the economy.

http://www.calculatedriskblog.com/

Heretic Pride

2008-02-22T14:34:00.000-08:00

Ok

Real quick.

The Mountain Goats
Heretic Pride

Give it a listen...

http://www.emusic.com/album/The-Mountain-Goats-Heretic-Pride-MP3-Download/11163092.html

Peace
MarcuSinger

God Bless America! For real?

2008-02-07T13:11:00.000-08:00

A Hearty Hello!
and a Grand Welcome Back!
to Matt and Brian and my Mom and Dad, aka My Audience!

Thank you for your support. I am honored that you all would take the time to read what's going on in my mind. So, you ask, what is going on? Anything?

Well, thanks to a couple friendly reminders and the historic 2008 Presidential Primaries, I'm back on the Blogosphere, if you will. Bridget and I have been watching dangerous levels of MSNBC, C-Span, CNN, PBS, and any channel that carries political coverage. Coverage here generally means short bursts of Live footage from each campaign, followed by virutally ceaseless hours of commentary about those short bursts.

I have discovered a few things during my political bingeing.

-Barack Obama is the best candidate for president I have ever seen, and most of that is simply due to the fact that he IS authentic, honest, principled, and a leader in the truest sense of the word. In the words of the great David Foster Wallace, he is "in the ballpark of an ACTUAL human being". Candidates past and present who are Not In the Ballpark include...

Mitt Romney (He doesn't know where the ballpark is.)
Hillary Clinton (She used to know. Now she just pretends she's in the ballpark.)
John Kerry (Same for him.)
Rudy Giuliani (Every sentence includes A verb. A Noun. And 9/11. Clearly Not a Human.
George Bush (Duh)

and the list goes on...

But my point is that it's really not that hard to tell who is "acting" from who is simply "being." (To be fair, all politicians act, but you catch my drift right?) For decades I've been astonished that anyone could actually watch someone like Mitt Romney speak, and also BELIEVE the things he's saying. How can you believe that he believes? How can you listen to him and conclude "He does speak for me! He represents my interests! He really does believe in the things I believe in! He really does care about me as more than just a political tool to get him elected whereupon he will come back to screw me out of a job so that him and his cronies can make more money and consolidate power over the working class!"

The same goes for GW Bush. It has continued to baffle me over the years. How can people NOT SEE that he is lying and manipulative and in essence, is completely full of shit? I'm not talking about his political policies or his political party. I'm talking about Bush as a person. We all know BS artists. We've all met the salesman who will say ANYTHING to get you to buy his products. So how is it that we didn't identify GW Bush has one of "those" right from the beginning? Maybe it's because we expect our politicians to be fake and manipulative, so we just accept that they are and hope for the best. Maybe we just want so badly to believe that our President is a man of honor and integrity, that when he tells us he is, we believe him. I don't really know why we accept total phonies to represent us. But this year is different. You'll notice who I did NOT put on the list of politicians who are Not in the Ballpark of an Actual Human Being.

Mike Huckabee
John McCain
Barack Obama

What in the world could these three guys have in common, aside from being 3 of the 4 Presidential candidates still standing?

I'll tell you what they have in common. Some folks call it "character", some folks call it "honesty", some folks call it "credibility". I think the best word to describe it is "integrity". The 2nd best word to describe it is "authenticity". They are men of their word. They are motivated by patriotism, not by profit, although I'm sure they will all be quite well off financially after this campaign. They have beliefs which constitute the core of their character, their soul, and they DO NOT BETRAY their own SOULS to get elected!

*I'm a little uncomfortable including McCain in this group, he was right in the middle of the ballpark in 2000, he's barely in the bleachers now, but he's still there I think...

But what I am LOVING with all of my own soul in this election, more than a woman and a black man vying for the Democratic nomination, more than the splintering of the Republican party, more than the grace, courage, wisdom, and humor of Mr. Obama, is that it appears America is finally rejecting the phoniest candidates and embracing those with true authenticity, credibility, and honesty.

If my theory here is correct, all I can say is,

God Bless America!

ok one more thing...

It's about Time!

ok one more thing

Vote Barack Obama in 2008!

Peace
Marcus Singer

ps
I've seen hours and hours and hours of pundits over the past week. Not one of them has even mentioned words like "credibility" "authenticity" and "honesty" as reasons why people are voting how they are.

pps
Not to toot my own horn here, it's a popular thing to do on a blog and all...

pps
Toot! Toot! ;)

Chit Chat

2007-04-07T10:36:00.001-07:00

Hey People, (Bri-guy)

So yeah it looks like there's a new trend in marketing. The first time I noticed it was from a box a french fries I purchased.

The box said things like "You're different. That's why you chose me. Because you're smart. Because these fries are golden, delicious, and just waiting to be eaten."

The text went on too. There was a whole paragraph of dialog that was ostensibly directed toward me and me alone. The box of fries seemingly wanted to be my friend. The box of fries was talking to me like I was his "buddy". The box of fries wanted to not only be eaten, but it wanted to "hang with me" as well. The box thought we could do some bonding in our short time together, form a personal connection. The box thought that maybe if it could make a friend out of me, then maybe I would be a friend to the entire franchise of this particular fast food eatery. The words were so personal, so warm, so much like real chit-chat. I half expected the box to scribble out a phone number and hand it to me.

"You see that extra long fry, the one that's extra crispy. Before you eat it, check out the digits. Call me?"

Then I got to thinking. There have to be at least several million of these boxes, and there's no way this chain spent the money to customize each one. So that means that millions of french fry consumers are reading this one batch of dialog. And that means that the group of marketing executives who came up with this idea think that it's gonna work. That if they put some words on a cardboard sleeve, that people will bond with the words, and come back to enjoy more fries and banter with the packaging. That these consumers will become every marketers cream dream, what they call "brand loyal".

So these marketers are under the impression that a single set of words printed on packaging will form a bond with each and every customer that reads them. They think that nobody will see through these efforts as patronizing and condescending. They think we are stupid. They think we are so stupid that we won't even notice that the writing on the fry box doesn't make the fries taste any better. They think we are so stupid that we'll actually believe the fry box is our friend! That every person who reads these words will think to themselves,

"You know, I do love WacArnold's. They've always been good to me. They're just such a friendly company. And I do relate to the chit-chat on the box. The fry box is right! These fries are delicious and just waiting to be eaten! I am smart! I did choose you! This fry box is just like a real friend, I could even add them to my MySpace page! Maybe this box will give me a ride to the airport next weekend! And then it'll help me move! I can cry on it's shoulder when I'm feeling down! The hot grease stains might burn my cheek a little, but I just like this cardboard so much, it would drive me to the hospital right?"

And the worst part is, the trend is growing. More and more packaging is adopting a personal tone. More and more inanimate mass-produced consumer goods are trying to strike-up a conversation. This can mean only one thing; the unholy predatory profit-driven demons that came up with this strategy believe that it's working. They put these words out there, and the sales climb.

Are we as consumers really that stupid?

Are we as consumers really that lonely?

Peace
Marcus Singer

It's time for a new job when...

2006-10-27T10:20:00.000-07:00

You're a college graduate and you find that the following things are true

-You work with recently released convicts.
-You are the only one in your department who speaks fluent English.
-You find that a few of your daily tasks can be done with your eyes closed.
-Some can even be done while reading.
-Problem solving is figuring out how to transport numerous heavy objects from their bins to your work-space.
-You notice that the words "chronic lower back pain" apply to you.
-Your boss is unfamiliar with the word "cacophony".
-Your boss asks you for help with simple arithmetic.
-Your job could be considered among the "hottest and smelliest".
-You are the only one who brings a book to read during breaks.
-And your co-workers eye you suspiciously for being one of them "readin-types".
-You get called "bookworm".
-People say things like "The Unabomber was just too smart for his own good".
-You start thinking that being a long-haul truck driver would be a step UP.

Peace
Marcus Singer

Paranoid Blogadroit Spring Cleaning

2006-05-20T12:25:00.000-07:00

Howdy howdy howdy,

Long see, no time, errr, long time, no see, errr, long time no blog. Ahh, that's it. It's been a long time since my last blog. Well, here I am, back in the saddle of the inter-galactic blogosphere, ready for another ride of unprovoked opinions and soap box prancing, prattling, and blathering. Wooo hoooo! When I feel heavy metal! Woooooo hooooo!

Ok. Here are some things I jotted down in my notebook that I thought were worth blogging about.

-Imagine if Henry Rollins did an intense spoken word reading of the lyrics to Radiohead's "High and Dry".
-"Two jumps in a week, I bet you think that's pretty special...(long dramatic pause)...Don't you boy" (and then maybe he repeats "don't you boy" followed by the inimitable scowl.)
-"...you just sit there...wishing you could still make love (scowl)"
-"oooooooh. Well it's the best thing that you ever had...the best thing that you have ever had...has...gone...away (sick n twisted grin)"

Here's a rhyme I wrote..
-"I'm at work/OH NO! i gotta take another shit!/Pop said to The Jerk "see a doctor get rid of it"/On the pot i write just a little bit/gotta go back to work in justa little bit/but even these is givin MC's so many fits/so i guess this job has to have some benefits"

So I read a report that more than 73,000 Pakistani's have died due to lack of food and adequate housing during the last winter. I read that the US has given barely a pittance to help them. I read that we have found several billion to help Americans during and after hurricane Katrina. So is the official policy of our country "American lives are worth more than Pakistani lives."? Is this a doctrine that our Christian president has adopted from the teachings of Jesus Christ? Is this a doctrine we are all complicit in? Is this wrong?

The soul neither speaks of nor abides by any systems.

Here's a poem...

A Great Feeling

It's like the feeling you get when "Friday I'm In Love" by The Cure comes on the radio and you suddenly realize that it is friday and you are in love.

Here's another poem...

9 to 5

Every dreaded morning you wanna walk out in a huff.
Every stolen morning you wanna scream aloud ENOUGH!

And every blessed morning your paycheck calls your bluff

-Have you ever pooped and it felt like you just cleared the freeway a jack-knifed semi and a ten car pile-up?

-So I'm working on my list of my ten most favorite songs of all time. As you can imagine this project is far from finished and maybe it never will be, but after a few months of thinking about it, I've come up with the following songs. The more I think about it, the best criteria I can come up with is that the song has to sound absolutely beautiful and extraordinary every single time I hear it. And because I love these songs so much I can't resist quoting at least one (more like 10 jeez) lyric from each song...

-Talking Heads "Once In A Lifetime" "...and you may ask yourself, MY GOD, what have I done?!?!"

-Radiohead "Paranoid Android" "...you don't remember. you don't remember. why don't you remember my name???!!! ooohhh....off with his head man off with his head man why don't you remember my name i guess you dooooonnnnnn't (super high falsetto!) aaaaahhhhhh'''!!!!

-Bob Dylan "Mr. Tambourine Man" Ok. Since ole' Bob is such a poet and this verse is so fuckin good here's the whole thing...

Take me disappearing through the smoke rings of my mind
Down the foggy ruins of time
Far past the frozen leaves
The haunted frightened trees
Out to the windy bench
Far from the twisted reach of crazy sorrow
Yes to dance beneath the diamond sky with one hand waving free
Silhouetted by the sea
Circled by the circus sands
With all memory and fate driven deep beneath the waves
Let me forget about today until tomorrow

-Jeff Buckley "Hallelujah" written by Leonard Cohen " "There's a blaze of light in every word, it doesn't matter which you heard"

-Queen w/David Bowie "Under Pressure" The part where they build it up and then totally smash it right as Freddie Mercury sings "Why can't we give ourselves, one more chance?" is about as rocking as rock has ever been rocked in the history of all rock ever. And if Neal Pollack doesn't think Queen is "authentic" enough to really rock then Neal Pollack can eat a dick.

Ok so apparently it's amateur hour in this corner of the unending blog universe because as you may have noticed the fonts and spacing have become all screwy and for this I am sorry. I should know how to fix it, but I don't. I've been trying to do what I always did while working in MicrosoftWord but it's not working. I come not to font n space but to write.

Ok back to the BLoG.

-Memo to all super-models. Emaciated carcass-like bodies and the look of utter boredom and exhaustion do not make you attractive.

-Memo to teen pop recording artists. Vapidity, lack of soul, big tits and tight clothes do not make you attractive or compelling to listen to.

-Memo to Deal or No Deal the TV show. You look like you were designed for lobotomized Attention Deficit Disorder 5th graders and Howie Mandel you are about as funny as a lobotomized A.D.D. 5th grader.

-Memo to Adam Morrison. Just because you CAN grow a mustache doesn't mean you SHOULD grow a mustache. Judging punk bands by their musical chops is like judging apples by their stems.

Peace

Marcus Singer

The Trick

2006-03-25T09:22:00.000-08:00

...is to be humble enough to acknowledge your weaknesses, yet proud enough to improve on them.

Peace
Marcus Singer

Tonight's the Night for Vinyl

2006-03-03T10:57:00.000-08:00

Holla Holla Blogga Blogga Reada Reada!
Good good to see ya!

Sorry, I'm listening to Kanye West. He makes you wanna hippity-hop.

So the other night I was drinking a fine glass of Scotch and listening to my recently purchased vinyl copy of Neil Young's "Tonight's the Night". It is an incredible record and unlike any album I've ever heard. The vocals are ragged, drunken, and often despairing. The playing is a-few-drinks-too-many loose/perfect. But as a whole, the album is unflinchingly honest, emotionally raw, and listening to it from front to back gives one the sense that they are right there in some middle-of-nowhere smoky dive bar taking in one of the greatest bar band performances of all time. I had heard a few of the tracks on a compilation called "Decade" but until I heard the songs in the context of the album, I didn't find them all that remarkable. Which brings me to my point. An album as heard on an actual piece of vinyl is a different and in many ways superior experience to hearing it on an Ipod or anywhere else.

So after a few Scotches and a full album's worth of inspiration from Neil Young, I wrote the following by hand in my trusty notebook. With a few exceptions and corrections and grammatical improvements, here is that text...

There are now those who only get their music from digital streams, on a computer, on an Ipod, or over a satellite radio service. These inventions allow you to hear exactly what you want anywhere anytime anyplace, and offer a mind-boggling numbers of choices at the click of a button. As someone who owns a discman I certainly appreciate the near-magical ability of music to completely transform your surroundings into a more hospitable and less alienating environment. However, there are certain drawbacks to the Ipod/portable/random shuffle/$.99 a song experience of music. I would argue that the plethora of choices and instant availability of nearly any song off any album from any artist you choose in some ways cheapens or devalues the experience of music. The Ipod/Itunes shuffling on random way is too easy. It doesn't require you to choose, engage, or even listen to the music coming through. It can all be simply absorbed like just another gazillion jingles or slogans.

On the other hand, the act of carefully pulling a large 12" diameter piece of delicate black vinyl from a nice perfectly square sleeve covered in artistry, (sometimes quite beautiful, othertimes really bad, truth be told) and placing it on a table to be spun at just the right speed, then resting the needle on the already spinning tray gives the magic/music therein a "buried treasure" or "priceless antique" type of feel. The discs require the occasional soft cloth cleaning. The turntable can not be bumped even slightly while the disc is spinning or it will skip quite nastily. Any bit of dust on the needle will result in a skin-spelunking buzz on each and every note.

I realize the last few aspects of vinyl listening could unapologetically be considered botherances and actually rather irritating. Even still, the whole delicate nature of the process serves another purpose. You feel privileged to hear the music. The effort involved makes you appreciate fully what you're hearing. The melodies take on a richer resonance and the flipping of the disc half-way through reminds you to actually LISTEN to the tunes, and not just let them drift idly through your conscienceness. And if you happen to care about such things, the sound of vinyl is in fact, somewhat "warmer" than the sound of a digital stream or a CD. (For a good introduction to the great Vinyl vs CD debate, go here.

http://www.mio.co.za/article.php?id=152)

Not only that, but like a fine wine, well cared-for vinyl sounds better with age.
So in conclusion, I won't say that vinyl is hands down the better format, but that the experience of listening to an LP on vinyl is richer and more rewarding.

For those without a record player, you should try it. For those who know already, Cheers!

Peace,
Marcus Singer

Do Rate Me Fa So La Ti

2006-02-03T09:05:00.000-08:00

So I was looking at some of the photos on ratemypoo.com the other day and I wondered why some people did such a half-assed job of it?

Peace
Marcus Singer

New Seasons of the Witch

2006-01-23T17:23:00.000-08:00

So my girlfriend and I were at the New Seasons Market located on the corner of NE 33rd and NE Killingsworth on the afternoon of Sunday January 22nd, at right around 2.30pm. The parking lot was overflowing with automobiles and the store itself was mobbed. I did a quick look around and I think I've got the group pinned down, demographically speaking...

-97% voted for Kerry.

-2% voted for Nader

-1% voted for Bush.

-63% of the males between the ages of 20 and 44 were sporting beards.

-7% of the males between the ages of 20-25 wished they could sport a cool beard.

-23% of the vehicles in parking lot were Volkswagons, 23% were Subaru Outbacks, 17% were Volvos, and 19% were SUVS.

-100% of those driving SUVS felt at least somewhat guilty about it.

-21% of the cars had bumper stickers reading either "All those who wander are not lost" or "Attack Iraq? NO!"

-Only 15% of the shoppers were going to watch the NFC Championship game between the Seahawks and Carolina Panthers later that afternoon. Compare that to the 52% of Safeway shoppers who were planning to watch the game.

-27% had read the New York Times already that morning, while 64% had finished reading the Sunday Oregonian.

-78% either owned at least one book by Michael Moore or had seen his latest movie.

-91% had at least one of the following CDs at home. Hang On Little Tomato by Pink Martini, Norah Jones' self-titled debut, or Graceland by Paul Simon.

-Only 29% had attended any sort of church that morning.

-But 93% would describe themselves as "spiritual".

-37% had smoked pot at least once in the last month.

-9% had smoked pot at least once in the last hour.

-2% were currently smoking pot on their employee breaks out back behind the dumpster.

-18% bemoaned the "negative energy" created by such a crowded store.

So if this sort of crowd is your crowd, you know where to be next Sunday...

Peace
Marcus Singer

New Tacks

2006-01-20T15:09:00.000-08:00

Hey Hey Hey,

That's right. I bought some new thumb tacks and now I'm gonna BLoG about them. Just kidding.

So this time instead of frothing at the mouth and getting all e-apoplectic about advertising I'll just holla about stuff I like. (But then aren't you advertising Marcus? Yeah I am. So?) I like writing by David Foster Wallace. I like Juanita's chips. I recently discovered that I really like a TV show called "Newsradio". It was too good to be on network TV for very long, just like "Arrested Development", from which this blog derives its name.

Newsradio has an amazing cast including Dave Foley from "Kids in the Hall" and Stephen Root from "Office Space" and "O Brother Where Art Thou" among other projects. It also features the incomparable Phil Hartman, whom you may know from such projects as "The Simpsons" and "Saturday Night Live". On "The Simpsons" he played Troy McClure. He uttered one of my many favorite lines from the show; "Man vs. Nature-The road to victory". Maura Tierney, Joe Rogan, ("One thing you might not know about me Joe Rogan. I like to smoke rocks." -Chapelle's Show), and the always-bordering-on-completely-bonkers Andy Dick round out the cast.

And to now veer off that subject completely did anybody notice that on "Arrested Development" the character named Bob Loblaw now has his own blog? And that it is called "Bob Loblaw's Law Blog"? So then I got to thinking what if a woman named Bobbi Lombaugh married Bob Loblaw and they went for the hyphenated name and then had a kid who they named Bob? That kid would have the name Bob Lombaugh-Loblaw. So then let's say that kid grows up and marries a woman named Bonita Applebaum and they also go for the hyphenated name and also have a kid named Bob. That kid's name would be Bob Applebaum-Lombaugh-Loblaw. So if that kid had a blog he could totally out-do me in the "mouthful of marbles" blog name category.

Bob Applebaum-Lombaugh-Loblaw Law Blog@Blogspot.com.

I'd kick that kid's ass.

Peace
Marcus Singer

Instant Money

2006-01-13T11:54:00.000-08:00

Hello imagined and actual readers!

Have you heard that commercial on the radio? The one that starts out with this guy asking you "Are you ready to get over that final great barrier and start living the life your dreams?"

So you think to yourself, well, yeah of course my life could be better but I'm not too sure what barrier he's talking about. Does he mean dying and going to heaven? The great barrier of Death? Or is he implying that we all have some sort of internal barrier toward being the person we always wanted to be? In this case the culprit is usually some traumatic childhood experience. And then I think, "Hey motherfucker! What makes you so sure i'm not already living the life of my dreams right now huh? I mean, we live in the land of the American Dream, right? And at least in theory, we all as citizens have an equal opportunity to live that dream, right? So at least of few us should already have that life, right? And then the lyric to that kick-ass Bad Religion song springs to mind. "Can you imagine/for a second/doin everything/you ever wanted to? Well thats just what I do/So Hooray for Me!/and (Hey radio voice, this line is for you) FUCK YOU!""

So by this point in my internal monologue the guy has another question which will presumbly follow in a reaonable way the preceeding question. So then he says "Do want to buy that amazing car that will make all your friends jealous?"

The "vurp" or "throw-up in my mouth" that follows is immediate and complete with little chunks of food that went down the gullet unchewed. "...buy that amazing car?" Buy that amazing car??? Buy that amazing car!!!??? Are you giving me a tracheotomy and then grabbing brass knuckles to fist-fuck me in the throat right now? Are reaching for that drill so you can fuck my face? An amazing car is not the answer to the great barrier in my life, assuming that I have a barrier to begin with. So you're actually implying that if I bought a new car all my problems would be solved? You know what, maybe you're right Mr. InstantMoney. Maybe that car would solve my problem. I could get one and the run you the fuck right over. Then I wouldn't have to listen to your materialiast bald-faced lies and disrespectful questions about the problems in my life and your bullshit solutions.

I haven't even got to the most obvious point yet. If I go to InstantMoney, I'll I'm gonna get is a bunch more debt that couldn't possibly be paid off without resorting to something like running someone over. But hey, I could buy that car and make my friends jealous. And of course we all want that on our headstones (as they climb up the hills-Mtn Goats) "Here lies Marcus. He had a great car and his friends were jealous for the 3 weeks between him buying a used '78 Porsche and his other more wealthy friend buying a '06 SUV. He passed that great barrier of life with class and a used car."

And then the priest in his homily alludes to poor Marcus' "unfortunate passing". By which he means how one day about a year after buying that used car Marcus turned up dead from a massive laceration in his throat with signs of repeated penetration with a metal instrument of some kind. It is speculated that Marcus was the victim of one of the worst kind of beatings. The kind you get from some large pipe-wielding thugs assigned to get you to a previous less civilized age on your posterior. The kind you get from loan sharks when you can't keep up with the usurous high-interest payments.

So to all the owners of InstantMoney and especially the advertising department...

Suck it. Suck it long, and suck it hard. Goodnight.

Marcus Singer

Who is the bigger tool?

2005-11-19T10:38:00.000-08:00

Scott McClellan-White House Spokesperson-The Emobiment of 1984 Doublespeak and Servant of Over-Lord Rove

or

Carson Daly-Talk Show Host-The Embodiment of Vapidity and Celebrity Groveling

?

Say No to Success

2005-11-15T17:34:00.000-08:00

Ok. I'm back like the company in Jeff Tweedy's back.

So this time, I'm just gonna write for 20 minutes. Whatever happens, happens. And whatever happens with Bob Loblaw's Mom, stays with Bob Loblaw's Mom. This is sorta like what McSweeny's did once. (http://www.believermag.com/)

Continuing in the same thread as my last post, here's some more problems with drugs in this country. So here's a question for kids of my approximate age; How many kids did you know back in elementary school who took Ritalin (its easy, its good, right Foo Fighters fans?) or some some other medication? How many kids did you know who were on what I call "The Meds" of some sort in middle school? Now, I realize this is entirely unscientific, (sorry Phil), but my feeling is that the use of "The Meds", (Ritalin, whatever else they prescribe for kids these days), is way, way up in the last 10 years.

So accepting the premise that there are more kids on "The Meds" now than there used to be, what is this teaching our children? Remember "Say No to Drugs"? Remember how that runs directly counter the message pharmaceutical companies send, "Say Yes to Happiness/Drugs"? Well how about, "Here son, I know you've been having trouble concentrating in class, but take these drugs and your class performance should improve in no time." "Take these drugs and you will be more like the productive successful person everyone tells you you should be." In between sips of coffee, "Take these drugs and it will help you."

They might as well be saying, "Say No to Success."

I've got 4 minutes left, and I'd like to add the additional "Anti-Say No to Drugs" message that kids see.

What do mom and dad drink in the morning to help them wake up?
What does dad have in order to relax after a long hard stressful day at work?
What does dad take if he has sore muscles and a stiff back after work?

That's right. The answers to those questions are drugs, drugs, and drugs, respectively. In the parlance of our times we say, Coffee, Beer, and Ibuprofen.

Time's up. Time for a beer to go with that pizza.

Peace
Marcus Singer

Say No To Happiness.

2005-11-04T15:54:00.000-08:00

Hey Yo,
I'm back like the terminator only less robotic and obscenely violent.

So I was watching the television the other day, and yet another one of those Enzyte/Viagra/Lunesta/"insert new and flashy and less than essential prescription drug brand-name here" commercials whizzed across my screen. I had the tv muted because as you probably know, advertising is one of my least favorite things. (Someday I will write that song, Least Favorite Things.) Anywhoo, the imagery in these ads is insidious and quite disturbing, and I'll tell ya why.

The shots are always of men or women smiling and laughing, frolicking about in a sea of wildflowers or hugging on a beautiful sunset beach. They always seem so goddamn happy. So goddamn happy to be on a drug. The imagery is specifically designed to convey the following message, "Take this drug and you will be happy. This drug will solve your problems."

Sometimes they go for the before and after tactic.

"See how miserable and un-sexy this guy is? He took our drug and now look at him! See how he wields those phallic symbols? See how pretty his ladyfriend is? Take this drug and this could be you! Just one dose of Curitall, and you'll be prancing gayly about in a picturesque meadow arm in arm w/babe in in no time!"

So kids see these commercials. I know because they are on during prime-time baseball playoffs, which now feature animated segments explaining various intricacies of the game. These segments are of course, directed at children.

Here's the problem. A child first learns "Say No to Drugs." Then he/she goes home, enjoys a nice supper and turns on the tube to watch the game. And in between innings watches men and women having the time of their lives! Fucking on a majestic snow-covered mountain top while a bald eagle soars gracefully above as Pachebell's Canon swells in the background and rose petals drift down in the glorious glorious sunset and all the while...all the while...MOMMY and DADDY look so goddamn HAPPY ON DRUGS!

These fucking advertisers might as well be whispering directly into the kid's ear...

"Say No to Happiness."

Peace
Marcus Singer

ps.
Anybody else sick of hearing both liberals and conservatives talking about how they don't want an "activist judge who legislates from the bench". Except for on the issue of abortion in which case "Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! Absolutely Fuck Yeah Yes! we want that person to get up there and legislate from the bench! In fact, if we're not absolutely positive they're gonna legislate from the bench how we want them to, they're not even gonna get a hearing."

Poop Prison and Propagandhi

2005-10-28T10:36:00.000-07:00

Hey there as-of-yet-non-existent reader. How's it going?

This is my first BLoG post, so please be patient. Why do I have a BLoG you ask? Well, if you know me, and chances are you do, I have a lot of things to say. And with a BLoG, instead of blathering on and on about something you are probably not as excited about as I am to your various beautiful faces, I can blather endlessly into the bottomless pit that is the internet. If you've happened to fish my BLoG outta there, Cheers!

Now, on with the show. I think most of my posts will come in rapid fire 1-2 sentence commentary on a vast array of wildly divergent topics. 1...2...1234 GO!

-The Name of this BLoG-Bob Loblaw is the name of a lawyer on a FOX (Don't watch their news channel. It's a Republican propaganda machine through and through. Watch a documentary called "Outfoxed" if you don't believe me.) sitcom titled "Arrested Development", which is easily the most cleverly and hilariously written show on TV. Granted, sitcoms are usually devoid of any worthwhile content whatsoever, but not this one. I would tell you the next time its gonna be on TV, but I don't know. One of those devoid of worthwhile content shows called "Prison Break" keeps pre-empting "Arrested Development". Prison Break yourself, Prison Break.

-I was driving south down NE 102nd when I came to stop light. In the left turn lane directly adjacent to my vehicle, (The Penny), another car came to a stop. I had my window down and as I currently have no functioning stereo in the penny, I listened in to the car stereo blaring next to me. I thought, "I recognize that tune, its off of the phenomenal punk band "Propagandhi"'s CD called "How to Clean Everything". I turned to the young man listening to Propagandhi and gave the devil horns sign and said "Propagandhi, right on! Turn it up!"

So we rocked out to Propagandhi together in traffic for 20 seconds in the middle of this bullshit "war" in Iraq and in the middle of traffic full of cars sporting bullshit "support our troops" stickers and then it happened. The lyric of the song that happened to be playing for those 20 seconds was "...So tie another yellow ribbon around the oak tree my friend and gee Wally, that's swell....FUCK THE TROOPS TO HELL, (blistering punk rock power chords played at warp speed), FUCK THE TROOPS TO HELLLLLLLLL!!! (screamed at full volume by the singer), and at this moment both me and the young man screamed along, looked at each other, and both laughed our asses off as the light turned green.

Now, I have friends in the military and I don't mean to say that I actually agree with the sentiment expressed in the song, in fact, I pray to the maker that this clusterfuck ends soon and our people get to come home and their people get to be at home in peace. And I have nothing but respect for the soldier's courage and their sacrifices. I know they are good people just stuck in an awful situation. Still, I reveled in the sheer punk-rockness and solidarity of the moment.

-We've covered the prison and the Propagandhi, so guess what's next?

Recipe for Magnificent Bowl-lining C-shaped Poop

-Full Plate of Penne Pasta w/Prego Red Sauce
-One Tyson Chicken Breast cooked on George Foreman Grill
-Green Salad w/Ranch Dressing
-3/4 bottle of 2003 Shiraz (The $3 Trader Joe's bottle works wonders.)
-1/4 bag of Juanita's Tortilla Chips made in Hood River, OR. (The best restaurant style chips I've ever tasted. Better than you get at an actual Mexican restaurant.)

Let stand for 8-10 hours. For best results, sleep for at least 6 of these hours.

Serve warm in cold toilet bowl water. Admire and flush.

Peace
Marcus Singer